Watching comical movies and a few weddings over the years, I have constantly wondered if a “real script” has been written for the hilarity unspoken parts of the event. As risque as it may seem, sometimes I imagine what the real why is behind a rush into getting married. If only we knew.
Dear daughter, don’t fall for the fairytale or become a statistic and for goodness sake, have some wise married people around you in life before you jump into it blind. Oh, and make sure he is out of debt and y’all don’t “do it” prior to the day… If the stats say over 50% of marriages end in divorce why are we not taking more time?
I imagine a teenager/jealous aunt/stranger that does not wish to be at a ceremony, adding in the italics:
Dearly Beloved and freeloaders, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses and because we are in their bloodline, to join ___________ and ___________ that rhymes in matrimony, even though this is her 3rd time which is commended to be honorable scoff among all men; umm she is wearing white and they have been “doing it” at his parents lodge this summer and therefore – is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly well… according the the paper you are reading off but reverently they are atheists, discreetly, that’s why they paid for us to be here and solemnly I am sad. Into this holy Toledo batman estate these two persons and his helicopter mom present now come to be joined lets hope for longer than the Kardashians. If any person sit down Uncle Eddie can show just cause why they may not be joined together Eddie sit down – let them speak now nope or forever hold their peace that’s what she said.

A bolder variation may be:

Friends, we have been invited here today to eat free food, drink too much and then attempt to dance. ______ got ______ pregnant and are here today to save face with his grandparents… 

Feel free to add in your own lines… No matter what, remember that it is one day in the start of a tough, yet rewarding journey. Don’t forget your friendship and laughter.

When a Dad is in, Everyone Wins